Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 683

There's a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

What drives the creative person is that we see it all.

They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.

Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla - you ain't done till the gorilla's done.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

If you have an entry-level position at a fertilizer company, you are literally in the asshole of the shit business.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

As a parent in the suburbs where I live, you have to chaperone your children everywhere they go because everybody's so afraid their precious little angel is going to get abducted or something. How egotistical can you get? Oh, your kid is sooo special. Everybody wants your kid. Come on.