Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 683

I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

When I was a boy, I was taught never to use insulting expressions like, 'I've been gypped,' or, 'He welshed on the deal.'

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

At the time I had a basic setup, basic cable if you will.He had the holy shit premier package.

Shake that ass while I throw money that I made selling crack!

You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

Eve, who said to the serpent, "I could go for a little nosh but I don't know you from Adam." Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

Dr. Spock, who said, "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." Never got a dinner!

I'm probably going to get in trouble for this but 'American Dad' is one of my favourite shows. It gets very dark in places but the jokes are there.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.