Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 70

How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

Rickey Henderson, pick up the phone, man, it's me... you.

Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

You know, a lot of people’s last names are based on the occupations of their ancestors. That’s true. Just in my neighborhood, right across the street lived the Cooks. Right next door to us lived the Taylors. Counter-corner from us lived the Elephant Dung Shovelers.

Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mmm..., nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!'

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

It occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is you turn them into poor people.

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

My first wife, I'll never forget her - and I've tried.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.