Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 70
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
I played softball recently. They call it softball, makes it sound like it's harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball? You don't go "Hey, that's Downy Soft. That was like a big ball of cotton! Hey, don't worry about that! That's Blood Light! We're playing softball, we're all going to float around like angels!"
How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.
White people go; Why you guys hold your things? Cause you done took every thing else, motherfucker!
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
I don't understand this whole Elvis thing. There are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don't dress up like them and do impressions. I'll show up at the family reunion in a dirty t-shirt and a bald cap - 'Look, everybody, I'm Uncle Earl.'
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When?
Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.
Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.