Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 690
Any boob can run a day-care centre but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're going to be from now on, a family.
A dry vagina is an impotent vagina… you’re not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself!
There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' and then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
They don’t encourage you to be who you wanna be, they encourage you to be what they want you to be, no teacher is gonna tell you you’d be cut out to be a great pornstar or illegal arms merchant.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
You got to control your own destiny. You got to keep writin different stuff. Keep switchin up and never do the same thin too many times.
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.
President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.'