Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 690
It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. That’s Renaissance, French for ‘re-birth’. Re-nais-sance. And that’s why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle of Fr…Italy.
I'm almost 46. You become no longer even regarded in a sexual way. As you get older you're just taken out of that realm. So it's not anything that particularly confronts me very much at all.
Y'all, I am screaming at my television set: they're spitting cobras, you moron!
Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.
Ever drive down the highway and a policeman gets up behind you? Then everybody goes two by two behind him. He’s like the interstate pace car. Then he gets off at the exits and we’re back to green flag racing!
What I wanna know is why I never fit in right like a fat dude getting on a packed flight.
I don't care what people think of me because I never cared what I thought about myself.
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.
God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, "Yes ma’am! Those’ll work."
People think it’s OK to walk up to me holding a baby. Like that’s cool… A baby, if you really break it down logically, it is a tiny human being and it’s shirtless, which is really creepy. It’s a shirtless, bald human being with a bag of its own crap around its waist. How horrifying is that?