Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 699

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...

Is the word brunette used anywhere outside of porn anymore?

I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

I was having a great day until I woke up.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I got screwed when my parents passed away. They left me their unfinished business.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Attila the Hun, who said, "Sure, I pillage; it’s a living." Never got a dinner!