Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 700
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
I don't think my comedy is that political. It's more social. But whatever. When you make comedy and you do stand-up, you work alone. Movies have to go under so much scrutiny. A stand-up special is a vision, and a movie is a consensus in a lot of ways.
Attila the Hun, who said, "Sure, I pillage; it’s a living." Never got a dinner!
Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.
When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled.
I can sit all day in a comfortable chair and watch ball games, but I don't need a blanket.