Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 700
When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?
With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.
As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by survival of the fittest.
I kind of do it in my head, then I'll try pieces of it on stage and if it looks promising, I'll put it together.
I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And my wife goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?
Then she’s gonna tell me, “Well, who do you think about when you makin’ love to me?” She’s like, “I know, Halle Berry.” I said, “Nope!” She said, “Gabrielle Union?” “No.” She’s like, “Who then?” “Kim.” She’s like, “Who is Kim?” “The girl I seen at the club last night. Hell, I can’t get Halle Berry, but I can get Kim if you fuck up.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.
The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.
You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
I'm for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.