Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 702
The snake is 20 inches long and black so if we need someone to find it, call the Kardashians.
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
I would define my looks as a Victorian Childcatcher. Or an S&M Willy Wonka who likes to use a riding crop on his own leg in his spare time.
We have so many people in the camp that it's difficult for everybody to find a porta-potty. With 90,000 people at a game, you can imagine 10,000 standing in line.
We wanted a name that was fun and different and something people would remember. Foundation board member Betty McCain suggested Winter Solstice, and we went with that.
Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, "Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea." Never got a dinner!
Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.
I don’t want to be a mom. I could easily be a dad. I could lie on a couch and have my kid come up to me for the first time when they’re 5 years old and go, “Dad, can I go outside?”<br /> “I dunno, ask your mother.”<br /> That I can do. I’d be amazing at that.
Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.
Some guys shave it up. Um, Dave Coulier from Full House shaves his balls. Tell you friends, tell everybody. Tell the world. Tell the world. Joey shaves his balls. I've said it. On television.
There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.