Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 702
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.
Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh.'
Every time I talk about Chipotle in conversation, someone goes, “Oh, Chipotle is delicious. Can you believe they were started by McDonald’s?” Uh, McDonald’s is delicious, so yes, I can believe that. It’s not like Ben and Jerry’s opened up a lingerie shop. It’s the world’s greatest restaurant chain taking a stab at another kind of food and hitting it out of the park.
This beautiful woman has something written on the side of her body, it says, "whatever is not the stars to hold our destinies, but in ourselves"... I just don’t under - why? why? why do people do that? Is that for when she’s hookin’ up with some guy, right? And he’s bangin’ her doggy style and he kinda leans over, and he looks and then he reads that, and like what’s he supposed to think then? Like, "Da... this bitch is deep!"
You never know when you'll come upon something and it's going to be fodder for new material.
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
A lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the Mom-and-Pop shops. But really Wal-Mart, they were a Mom-and-Pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.
They should also use focus groups only if you’re researching how a cookie tastes.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
In the original draft I was 27 and Peter was 55 in the script. That's not the same as a guy in his 40s and a dad in the end of his 70s. It's a different point in both our lives.
When you leave, you basically want to go eat, because I talk a lot about food in my act. So when you leave, you leave hungry.
In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.