Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 701

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.

He's so pissed off 'cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world Cambodia, only to find out she's gonna take him to every other fucking third world country in the world. He's probably like, 'When the fuck are we getting to Malibu like you promised?'

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

You don’t know Jay-Z’s schedule. He’s a Renaissance man.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

The snake is 20 inches long and black so if we need someone to find it, call the Kardashians.