Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 701

I'm for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.

I don't understand what goes on some times, right, cuz here we are in this theater, we gettin along just fine. We go outside and the shit change.

I'm aging, and the world is seeing it.

You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

Comedy, such a lovely lady, she'll pick you up, you your feeling blue.

I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.