Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 701

You're probably aware that Britain stopped evolving gastronomically around the year 1242.

The sun comes up and so does your dick. Cause at heart your dick's a farmer!

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won’t be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like "Who shot J.R.?" I like to think I do this every night - the question is, "Is this show still on?"

You never know when you'll come upon something and it's going to be fodder for new material.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

My ist grade teacher was so obsessive-compulsive, that for fire drills she made us line up in alphabetical order.

Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.

See what I mean? You gotta be crazy. Ain't no time to be sane.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

When you’re big you don’t need a reason to sweat. You don’t, right? My friends cannot grab a hold of this concept. They come up to me all the time, “Geez! What the hell you do? You jumping rope in the attic?” “Well, I peeled an orange. About an hour ago, what’s up?”