Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 703

Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

If you are going through an emotional nightmare be grateful that it is only a nightmare.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

So that this thing that aired in 1963 would result a few years later in personal bankruptcy, would result in having people be on edge with me, wondering when I'm going to blow up.

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer’s kid’s bar mitzvah.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.

Today’s topic: premenstrual syndrome, the bastards that inflict upon women, earthquakes and stuff that falls down!

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

I looked at game show hosting as the bottom of the totem pole, one step away from infomercials. I never watched them myself. However, it's been a lot of fun. We try out new things and keep a lot of the classic elements people remember. I enjoy getting to know new people and seeing them win.