Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 711

Bird flu! What's that? How do you know a bird's got flu! Some chinese bloke spots one of his chicken with its claws in a bowl of hot water and a towel over its head! Bwrr-rr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rr!

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

My wife goes "that's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"

Honestly, you got to take care of the people that take care of you. I know that sounds like cliche, or borderline phony, but that's the case. The reason I've had the fans that I have is because I've been consistent over the years and kept coming back and doing the same runs. I'm never going to stop doing the cities I've gone through. I'm only going to add.

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

I can tell you, from experience, that whoever said "Children and fools cannot lie" was one or the other himself. There`s only one way to guarantee that your children are telling the truth: limit your questions to the names of their schools.

My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.

You ever see those racism public service announcements where they have an athlete speak out against racism, but they'll make it specific to their sport? Like a boxer will say, 'We gotta knock out racism.' Or a basketball player will say, 'We gotta slam dunk racism.' I want to do one of those, except as a comedian. I'll be like, 'Racism's not funny -- except in small groups of close personal friends and family. Keep it where it belongs.'

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.