Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 711

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!

Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.

There is also a kind of mean-spiritedness with LA comics.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'

I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.

With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

I don't care if I ever work in TV again.

No. I'm not going to be your monkey.

Some guys shave it up. Um, Dave Coulier from Full House shaves his balls. Tell you friends, tell everybody. Tell the world. Tell the world. Joey shaves his balls. I've said it. On television.