Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 711

We're good friends, but we hate each other. Last year, Kevin made the cut and I didn't. My show is over. Kevin's got a really big movie coming out. What else do I got?

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: you show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

I guess the lesson to be learned from the church is that while homosexuality is a sin against God, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

It's just such a gross business. I see why people get eaten from the inside out. Even when it's going well it's hard to deal with.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

We have so many people in the camp that it's difficult for everybody to find a porta-potty. With 90,000 people at a game, you can imagine 10,000 standing in line.

So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Goliath’s mother, who said to Goliath, "Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned!" Never got a dinner!

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now.

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities.