Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 712

Humor's a weapon if you want to make it one.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

My ist grade teacher was so obsessive-compulsive, that for fire drills she made us line up in alphabetical order.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

I'm almost 46. You become no longer even regarded in a sexual way. As you get older you're just taken out of that realm. So it's not anything that particularly confronts me very much at all.

If you're a parent, the five worst words you can say to your children are, "When I was your age ..." You were never their age. You were older in the womb.

I’d like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I’m laying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control. It’s like, “Boy a kid would be nice right now.”

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

Joanne Carson, who said to Johnny, "Not so fast: what about the loose change in your pockets?" Never got a dinner!

I just took a test this morning. Yeah, at the free clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass, too. I got an A, two B's and a C.

This women killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

If you’re “willing to die” for a cause you should really find some other less potential death related interests.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.