Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 712
Some guys shave it up. Um, Dave Coulier from Full House shaves his balls. Tell you friends, tell everybody. Tell the world. Tell the world. Joey shaves his balls. I've said it. On television.
You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, that's my only lil' girl. So if you think about huggin' or kissin'. Remember these words. I ain't afraid to go back to prison.
Whenever you go out [to eat] you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."
Bird flu! What's that? How do you know a bird's got flu! Some chinese bloke spots one of his chicken with its claws in a bowl of hot water and a towel over its head! Bwrr-rr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rr!
They don't see that whole pattern. Worm/death. Worm/death. I would catch on.
The thing that amazes me about getting fired is that nobody ever has anything insightful to say about it. They always say the same thing. They always say, “Everything happens for a reason.” As lame as that sounds, I guess it’s better to hear it out loud. Because when you hear it in your own head, it sounds like, “Anything can happen with a razor.”
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
I can tell you what the #4 thing I can’t talk about is. It’s the #4 thing.
When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, "Richard, what do you see?" I said, "I see all types of people." The voice said, "But do you see any niggers?" I said, "No." It said, "Do you know why? 'Cause there aren't any."
Cats only pretend to be domesticated if they think there's a bowl of milk in it for them.