Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 712
I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.
You ever see those racism public service announcements where they have an athlete speak out against racism, but they'll make it specific to their sport? Like a boxer will say, 'We gotta knock out racism.' Or a basketball player will say, 'We gotta slam dunk racism.' I want to do one of those, except as a comedian. I'll be like, 'Racism's not funny -- except in small groups of close personal friends and family. Keep it where it belongs.'
There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.
I guess the lesson to be learned from the church is that while homosexuality is a sin against God, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child.
I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.
I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.
Even every day ends the same, doesn’t it? “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know. What do you want for dinner?” “How about a gun in my mouth so we never have to talk about his again?”