Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 716

I'm dating a younger sexier crowd.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

You’re good looking for a redhead... yea, well you’re not good looking for a person.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I kind of do it in my head, then I'll try pieces of it on stage and if it looks promising, I'll put it together.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

I felt like high school for me was like a big whirlpool of me trying to figure out what was OK for me to do.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

Three wishes - no substitutes, exchanges or refunds.

I'll tell you why -- because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.

I'm for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.