Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 716

Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible, it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. It's momentum, and once you get the momentum going, that's great, but it's a brutal experience in many, many ways. And when you're done, people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"

When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla - you ain't done till the gorilla's done.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

If you take the time to smell the roses, sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee and die.

I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up – God, what a night that was!

This is a man who survived four heart attacks. Yeah, the doctor revoked his organ donor card. Issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal. Well, he actually had three heart attacks and a heart "episode." Cause his last heart attack, he was with an HMO. Yes. And it seems that if they write down "heart attack," they have to admit you. But if they write down "heart episode," they can give you Robitussin and send your ass home.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you’re a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that’s a nice service that many of them provide.