Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 716

The thing that amazes me about getting fired is that nobody ever has anything insightful to say about it. They always say the same thing. They always say, “Everything happens for a reason.” As lame as that sounds, I guess it’s better to hear it out loud. Because when you hear it in your own head, it sounds like, “Anything can happen with a razor.”

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

Remember Anthrax. They tried to blame that on the Middle Easterners. I knew that wasn’t a Middle Easterners. That’s not how Middle Easterners work… “What, you want me to put the Anthrax in the envelope, put a stamp on the envelope and then mail it? No no no no no. That’s not how I do it. Can I wrap the Anthrax around myself and run into somebody?”

My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying "I love you." His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, "We're going here, we're going there," he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.

This country is in a big hurry to go nowhere.

I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."

I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.

I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

It's just such a gross business. I see why people get eaten from the inside out. Even when it's going well it's hard to deal with.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.