Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 715
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying "I love you." His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, "We're going here, we're going there," he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.
When asked if he enjoys being famous: Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I've always been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can't do that very easily anymore.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."
So that this thing that aired in 1963 would result a few years later in personal bankruptcy, would result in having people be on edge with me, wondering when I'm going to blow up.
The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
He's just always positive. He's always smiling and he's always trying.
I was in a lot of plays. We had a weird drama teacher in that he was incredibly enthusiastic about a high school drama program and would talk to all the kids for hours. He ended up marrying one of the kids, but that's neither here nor there.
I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I'm old, and my friends all have kids. And I'm single, still blow drying my hair!
They always say the Miss America Pageant isn't a beauty contest, it's really a scholarship program. If that's the case, why don't we just put all the contestants on "Jeopardy!" and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one.
I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.