Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 715

I got screwed when my parents passed away. They left me their unfinished business.

I think pretty soon people gonna be fuckin' for gas. I think people already fuckin' for gas. Some of y'all in here tonight are fuckin' for gas. Like 'Girl, why you with him?' He filled up my tank.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

I feel like the American people are being lied to and manipulated. President Bush is trying to force 9/11 and Saddam together.

You don't have to believe everything you think.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

I'll tell you why -- because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

I'm for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I just took a test this morning. Yeah, at the free clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass, too. I got an A, two B's and a C.

Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"