Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 720
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid...
Here’s the thing about people who believe in God: they’re fucking stupid.
They don't see that whole pattern. Worm/death. Worm/death. I would catch on.
The thing that amazes me about getting fired is that nobody ever has anything insightful to say about it. They always say the same thing. They always say, “Everything happens for a reason.” As lame as that sounds, I guess it’s better to hear it out loud. Because when you hear it in your own head, it sounds like, “Anything can happen with a razor.”
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
I remember when the last Harry Potter title came out, I think it was Harry Potter and the Crock of Shit. Or Harry Potter and the Mitten of Wool? Remember that?
They came out very prepared and we missed lot of tackles. We have to start on Monday and watch the film. I kept asking what was happening. They just out-competed us.
When asked if he enjoys being famous: Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I've always been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can't do that very easily anymore.
Why would somebody worship the devil?... Has the devil paid off for anybody ever? What was the last award show you saw where somebody won and they came out and they’re like, “Thank you so much. This is amazing. I got a lot of people to thank. Well, I gotta start out by thanking the man downstairs.”
A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.
We don’t know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.