Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 721
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind?"
“You need to come deer hunting! It’s a man’s sport!” I just think in order to be called a sport both teams need to know there’s a game going on.
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"
When you leave, you basically want to go eat, because I talk a lot about food in my act. So when you leave, you leave hungry.
There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.
Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong fucking house!
Here’s the thing about people who believe in God: they’re fucking stupid.
Joanne Carson, who said to Johnny, "Not so fast: what about the loose change in your pockets?" Never got a dinner!
If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
My wife would say my worst habit is that I'm not good at dropping subjects. If something bothers me, I'll bring it up endlessly and relentlessly. I think it's a search for clarity, but she uses different words.
I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.