Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 721
People think it’s OK to walk up to me holding a baby. Like that’s cool… A baby, if you really break it down logically, it is a tiny human being and it’s shirtless, which is really creepy. It’s a shirtless, bald human being with a bag of its own crap around its waist. How horrifying is that?
The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.
My wife said to me 'I hope you win... but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don't think it makes up for never saying it when we're alone.'
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.
Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother, ya know. So I am so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would been uh, you know... dead.
So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.
You might be a redneck if your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.