Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 731
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
I'm almost 46. You become no longer even regarded in a sexual way. As you get older you're just taken out of that realm. So it's not anything that particularly confronts me very much at all.
Being a big star and being known, making movies and a lot of money - that really doesn't interest me.
When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.
If you’re “willing to die” for a cause you should really find some other less potential death related interests.
The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.
Jimmy - How olds your boyfriend? <br /> Guy in Audence - He's my brother. <br /> Jimmy - Well stop fucking him!
I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
What are they not going to do a reality show about… There used to be a time when you would come home and reality was so crappy, you would turn on TV to watch stuff people had made up so you could escape from the crappy reality. Now, you go out and deal with dickheads and morons all day and you come home, and go “I just want to go home so I can watch Dickheads and Morons on TV.”
I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.