Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 731

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

I think that God might think I’m gay... what does he know anyway?

People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with "itch," "hunt," & "bore."

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, "Oh, I found me a hobby."

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.

They make these outrageous comedies and just use these kids as props. They're not beings who are transforming.

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

In answer to the question, "Why do they hate us?" Al Queda today admitted it's those guys who wear a scarf with just a t-shirt.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

If you're a parent, the five worst words you can say to your children are, "When I was your age ..." You were never their age. You were older in the womb.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).