Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 731
But this Mother fucker here Nigga, This shit right here nigga; This is a love seat Nigga! I can't even sit on this if I ain't in love Nigga! What Kind of shit is that!
I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.
A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain - and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.
Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's — "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says — that I am dumber than a French whore.
I'm a walker. I enjoy walking, which I think psychologically expresses my feelings of wanting liberation without exerting myself too much.
Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentines Day.
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.
People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.
I miss having a pet. We’re not allowing to have dogs in my building. We’re allowed to have cats. My friend’s like, “Why don’t you get a cat?” I’m like, “Why don’t I just start kissing dudes too?”
If a cunt falls in the forrest, but lacks the self awareness to really see it, did it fall in the first place?
Nostradamus, who predicted he would never get a dinner! Never got a dinner!