Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 735
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.
Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from on another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hate. That'll show them.
(On Robert Pattinson.) Our parents know each other a bit and my hair is just as good as his.
I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.
You might be a redneck if you go to the family reunion to meet women.
And after you've done the acting, there's a lot of places you can put your input - in the editing, in the production of it, in the rewriting of it and so on.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
In answer to the question, "Why do they hate us?" Al Queda today admitted it's those guys who wear a scarf with just a t-shirt.
You might be a redneck if you've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
I had anxiety for so long. I went to a psychiatrist… “I’m constantly anxious. What do I do?” He told me I had obsessive compulsive disorder. I was shocked. I had to call him, like, nine time to make sure he was certain.