Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 736

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up – God, what a night that was!

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

I was an altar boy too. No, I don’t have any jokes. Sorry, my priest was cool. He didn’t touch me. Never approached me. He didn’t look at me twice… no matter what I did.

Nothing is happening and that is a very cool sign.

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.

This country has helped define me and make my dreams come true.

You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

Grannies Gone Wild’: She may have alzheimer’s, but she still nasty!

In the original draft I was 27 and Peter was 55 in the script. That's not the same as a guy in his 40s and a dad in the end of his 70s. It's a different point in both our lives.

I miss having a pet. We’re not allowing to have dogs in my building. We’re allowed to have cats. My friend’s like, “Why don’t you get a cat?” I’m like, “Why don’t I just start kissing dudes too?”

I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think.