Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 736
I didn’t know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That’s what I learned. I didn’t know how to put a set together.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
People think it’s OK to walk up to me holding a baby. Like that’s cool… A baby, if you really break it down logically, it is a tiny human being and it’s shirtless, which is really creepy. It’s a shirtless, bald human being with a bag of its own crap around its waist. How horrifying is that?
You're like an energy vampire. You suck the life out of people and take the fun out of being a lawyer.
In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.
I really enjoyed doing the book, but you don't get any reinforcement. You just sit in a room being yourself for a long time, and it's hard to get comfortable with that. The idea of getting back in there in a room with a bunch of funny people and just cranking out jokes is just really appealing to me.
My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man, isn’t he? He’s an incredible man. Incarcerated for 25 years. He was released in 1990. He’s been out about 18 years now. And he hasn’t reoffended.
I'm the leader of the platoon and I run gambling and lotteries, dances and I sell beer illegally. I'm a con man and I'm thoroughly lovable.
I see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. I appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, 'I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.'
When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.
The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves.
You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.