Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 736
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
It's no coincidence that the worst published writer in the world today is also one of the world's most successful writers... Dan Brown. Now Dan Brown is not a good writer, The Da Vinci Code is not literature. Dan Brown writes sentences like "The famous man looked at the red cup." ...and it's only to be hoped that Dan Brown never gets a job where he's required to break bad news. "Doctor is he going to be alright?" "The seventy five year old man died a painful death on the large green table... it was sad".
I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."
Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."
There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade, you might be a redneck.
P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other.