Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 744
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!
I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.
“Hey, you couldn’t write stuff like that could ya!! Of course you could…I did”.
... people are always asking, Tiger, how do you do it, and my answer is shut up ... I ask the questions around here, I'm Tiger Woods ...
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."
Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"
Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.
This summer I just practiced real hard. I was real dedicated. I don't think I missed two or three workouts this whole summer.
The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.
I'm not looking to get away from anything. I like what I've done. I like what I get to do and I enjoy working with my friends. I loved those movies, but this is incredible.
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.