Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 744
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.
Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.
To all my fans who’s saying Donald Glover about to blow, just give me six months so you can say I told you so.
You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
If I thought about it, I could be bitter, but I don't feel like being bitter. Being bitter makes you immobile, and there's too much that I still want to do.
It’s too much trouble to get laid. ‘Cause you have to go out with a guy, go to dinner with him and listen to him talk about his opinions. And I don’t have that kind of time.
I was looking at my coffin choices, I was thinking about getting the player's special, the one with the diamo.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're... very... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy?
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
Jokes are good for your health, they reduce stress, even ancient jokes like "She was only the stablemen's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her," even jokes as old as "Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep." Or the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw. They keep on pleasing us, year after year.