Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 753

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity: We all suck.

You are what you are. You don’t choose to be gay or straight. I don’t choose to be attracted to women, it sucks. I lose half my shit every ten years and have to start fresh.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

Every girl who has sex with me ladies is guaranteed to have an orgasm or dinner is on me.

I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means.

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

Wow! Another steaming pile of good news!

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better.

I feel very privileged that I am able to do something. All of us saw the images on TV and we said we can send money but we still wanted to contribute more.

Ice T you fuckin’ fossil. You’re so old, the first thing you bought with your record deal money was your freedom. On your first album, the ‘n-word’ was ‘negro’

I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.