Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 753
Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong fucking house!
Kept looking for something to be in with. Follow someone’s blueprint. But you have to be on your own.
The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls".
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.
People feel like they're defined by where they live, where they're from. Americans, for example, are very proud of being from America. I used to love the Americans, but I went off them last year, the Americans, because of them all ganging up on the bloke from BP. Do you remember? All the Americans picking on the bloke from BP about that oil slick. It seems unfair, doesn't it, given that America is the largest consumer of oil per head in the world and they seemed annoyed with the bloke from BP for merely trying to provide them with the oil that they craved. Americans, picking on the bloke from BP. It's ridiculous. It's like a furious customer punching a prostitute in the face because he's sickened by his own desire.
Every girl who has sex with me ladies is guaranteed to have an orgasm or dinner is on me.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.
Cleavage season just about over. I'm gonna miss it. 'Cause cleavage, when it first pops out, like late February/early March, it's almost like Groundhog Day. It's like, 'Ah, it's gonna be an early spring.'
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.