Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 753
I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories… if you lick it.
When I was in grade school I was into chess club, Latin club, D&D, computer camp - everything that made vaginas go away.
I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds.
I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit.
Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.
The only thing harder than leaving show business is coming back.
Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong fucking house!
My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.
I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.