Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 761
There's a lot of people who don't want anything from me but to laugh and have a good time. You see them at the show and they like - they dress up to come see your show and stuff. And they pack these auditoriums and it's a lot of fun, man. It's like, this is how I started, and it's still fun for me.
Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, "I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a dinner!
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.
You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What’s so funny? I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Waking up is horrible. “Where am I? What is this? Do you have any relish?”
Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.
This summer I just practiced real hard. I was real dedicated. I don't think I missed two or three workouts this whole summer.
Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.
I was on the way to my hotel, and I passed a hotel going in the opposite direction.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fufilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time.
When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'
In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.
I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.