Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 761

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’

... people are always asking, Tiger, how do you do it, and my answer is shut up ... I ask the questions around here, I'm Tiger Woods ...

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

You see people waving. You don't see people having problems, with each other at least.

Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.

This summer I just practiced real hard. I was real dedicated. I don't think I missed two or three workouts this whole summer.

Girls dress sexy, right? Even sweat pants now -- kind of tight, got the writing on the ass, little messages. Who knows what it's gonna say? It's like a little fortune cookie right on your ass: 'Sexy. Baby Doll. Juicy. Look at my ass.' I'm like, 'Excellent. I've been meaning to read more.' I'm tearing through five, six asses a day. Sometimes, I just read half and stick a bookmark in it.

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

We do experiments on animals for a reason—to prolong our life. If hooking a monkey’s brain up to a car battery is going to save somebody of dying from AIDS in ten years, I got two things to say, “The red is positive and the black is negative.”

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.

I don't think crucifixion is the answer. I believe in the resurrection. I like that part of the story.