Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 761
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...
Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.
Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.
You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What’s so funny? I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Waking up is horrible. “Where am I? What is this? Do you have any relish?”
It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
There's this whole sense of judgment and who's right and who's wrong and who's moral and who's going to be punished.
If you really really don’t like someone, like you really don’t like someone, buy them a pony. Cause, "You know what, fuck you! Take care of this pony!"
It's no coincidence that the worst published writer in the world today is also one of the world's most successful writers... Dan Brown. Now Dan Brown is not a good writer, The Da Vinci Code is not literature. Dan Brown writes sentences like "The famous man looked at the red cup." ...and it's only to be hoped that Dan Brown never gets a job where he's required to break bad news. "Doctor is he going to be alright?" "The seventy five year old man died a painful death on the large green table... it was sad".
My grandpa didn't believe in hugging and kissing, or saying "I love you." His love had to do with the way he treated you. When he said, "We're going here, we're going there," he was telling me about life. That was his love for me. My love for him was listening to what he said, keeping out of trouble, doing right, being fair.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.