Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 77
I lost my virginity junior year of college, I was 21… I was awkward, and I was raised Jehovah’s Witness so I thought sex was bad, I thought I was going to go to hell, and get AIDS immediately.
Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'
Every time you hear about some famous guy overdosing on drugs, it's always some really talented guy. It's always like Len Bias, or Janis Joplin, or Jimi Hendrix, or John Belushi. You know what I mean? The people you wanna have overdose on drugs never would! Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose man, never!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer."
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously.
I was on vacation at Disney World, and everybody kept coming up to me and saying 'Hey, I'm Rick James, bitch.' I was like, 'Could you not call me a bitch in front of my kids?'
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
You can be cool and at the same time respect your woman, who will hopefully become your wife, who will hopefully become the mother of your kids. America needs to get back to family values.
They have these runway shows and then they have a commentator going, "A return to glamor this season. A pretty face is your best asset this season." As opposed to last season. When ugly girls had a free ride. When back fat was all the rage.
The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.