Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 77
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
We lay out our lives in a narrative we understand, like a movie, but are you enjoying making it or are you wondering "who's watching my movie".
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
I've never sucked a dick. Isn't that weird? My whole life! That's weird to me. It is! It's weird. Because almost everybody has sucked a dick, when you think about it, most people on earth suck dicks. It's true. Because 51% of the population are women and they suck dicks. Then there's all the gay guys who suck dicks. Then there's all the straight guys who have been forced to suck a dick under various circumstances. So there's only like a thousand of us out there who never blew anyone. Just a bunch of selfish assholes that are fuckin' gettin' blown and not blowin' back, you know.
My mother sent me to psychiatrists since the age of four because she didn't think little boys should be sad. When my brother was born, I stared out the window for days. Can you imagine that?
I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, "Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?" And uh, he said, "Okay" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, "I don't have a 10, I have a 9." "Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed, so that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".
I thought it was really odd at how much people freaked out at Katrina. You'd think they'd be worried about something important. 'Oh my God, look! George Bush is just appointing all his friends into office and we're in an unfounded war...' But no - 'Fuck that! That nigger's stealing some potato chips!'
I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn’t really hit us.
Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the door. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and you leave the door open.
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.