Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 77
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
It's interesting, once I have convinced people that, yes, I have a sister with a mental disability, the retard jokes really dry up, so I'm not sure how much retard humor is really going on out there, but I imagine there's a lot because it's a pretty safe group to make fun of. It's not like the Retards of America are gonna rise up and organize a protest. They're not gonna write letters. They only just recently got the Supreme Court to stop executing them.
Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.
If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.
I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, "Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?" And uh, he said, "Okay" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, "I don't have a 10, I have a 9." "Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed, so that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius.
Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.
I thought it was really odd at how much people freaked out at Katrina. You'd think they'd be worried about something important. 'Oh my God, look! George Bush is just appointing all his friends into office and we're in an unfounded war...' But no - 'Fuck that! That nigger's stealing some potato chips!'
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
They have these runway shows and then they have a commentator going, "A return to glamor this season. A pretty face is your best asset this season." As opposed to last season. When ugly girls had a free ride. When back fat was all the rage.
A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer."