Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 76
My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.
I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.
Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"
Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who are exactly like us. And it doesn't matter. White. Black. Red. Yellow. Purple, uh oh, the purple people, are the worst. Man. All prejudiced and birth marky. But, we've got to learn to get past our differences. I learned that at the museum of tolerance. After my dad beat the crap out of a guy over a parking spot.
I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi.
Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.
I'm not a girl, I'm a guy you know? But at the same time, I tell ya how you can solve this abortion issue right now. Ready? Those unwanted babies that single moms leave in alleys and in dumpsters? Leave about 12 of those on the steps of The Supreme Court. This is over. Like that. "You guys said we had to have them? Then you guys... fucking raise 'em." "Raise 'em then, you fucking fucking raise 'em. You raise 'em. You said I had to have it? Then it's yours. Fuck. It's yours... Take it."
I thought it was really odd at how much people freaked out at Katrina. You'd think they'd be worried about something important. 'Oh my God, look! George Bush is just appointing all his friends into office and we're in an unfounded war...' But no - 'Fuck that! That nigger's stealing some potato chips!'