Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 76
I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!
What? … The Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they'd do that. What? … They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they'd do that. What? … They're coming on elephants? … Where'd they get the elephants? There aren't any elephants in Europe. This I got to see … are you sure? … It's not just a typo mistake? Perhaps the Carthaginians are attacking over the Alps and they are in their element? Kind of upbeat, you know. They're coming on fucking elephants, huh.
Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't.
Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
You can’t go to the bathroom alone… you might not come back. Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.
I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.
I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.
You can't have an honest fourth grade school teacher. "Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I would waste him and start over. Now, I say that with all due respect."
They call you 'Pops',you work in the library and your best friend's a mouse.
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
It’s our first date but I don’t want to go on a date. I wanted to do it in the daylight with animals so it couldn’t be misconstrued as anything in case he’s the worst.
I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.