Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 776

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children. Because, if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is sixteen. Why ? Because you never introduced him to mister back-of-your-hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once ? 'Cos my father introduced me to mister back-of-his-hand. And it's wiley side-kick. Mister foot-in-my-ass.

I actually love Catholicism, it's my favourite form of clandestine global evil.

I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.

All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do.