Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 776
Rip Van Winkle, who said, "Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom." Never got a dinner!
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.
Younger kids, they understand that things aren't so perfect with their father or with their mother.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.
Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.
As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do.
I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?