Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 776
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be Democrats... or skinny.
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
It goes Christmas,New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? Those are all days you got to be with someone. And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s - boom - there’s Valentine’s Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentine’s Day for the stragglers. And it should be called, “Who Could Love You?”
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you want to know why I’m here and what I want from you I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. Your presence was what I wanted. Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you.
I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.