Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 775
Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
Coach: "Are you any good?" Young Brian: "I dunno, my mom sent me..." "Well, go to right field." "Oh, okay." "Turn around, you moron!" "Oh, okay" "Not the whole way!" "Oh, just some?"
I don’t get back to Iowa very often. I mean, it took me a long time to realize that we were free to go.
They kicked me out of my school and sent me to the retard school down the street. If you had anything wrong with you, you went to my school. You were on a wheelchair, you went to my school. You were on crutches, you went to my school.You were blind, you went to my school.You were deaf, you were deaf, you had behavior problems, you went to my school. My school had ramps all over the fucking place. It looked like Tony Hawk designed my school.
Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.
The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.
I try to avoid people's eyes because I don't like to get that intimate with just anybody. i don't need the responsibility.
I realized this is what God has dealt me, and I should be thankful considering all that's happened to me in my life, but MS caused the movies to stop - stop dead - and I miss it.