Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 775
All the proper bands from then, when we were kids, yeah? The Rubettes and Mud and Chicory Tip. Yeah. Not like the bands they have now, stupid, modern bands all made out of wire and electricity. The proper old bands. You'd buy the singles, wouldn't you? The old singles they used to have in the old days. The proper ones. Very nostalgic feelings towards Woolworths. The pick 'n' mix. Remember the pick 'n' mix in Woolworths? All the sweets individually wrapped. Proper, old-fashioned sweets, yeah? Not like the sweets they have now, all with knives in them and AIDS
George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”
I didn’t know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That’s what I learned. I didn’t know how to put a set together.
If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.
A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
Before the invention of the telephone, you had to lie to people to their face!
Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.
Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.
I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?
And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.