Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 775
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Have you ever wanted to rape a clown, so you follow him into his car, and you end up having to rape, like, forty clowns?
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
With any actor, if you know your character well enough, you'll know pretty much what he would say under any circumstance, or whatever situation might rear its head.
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers, it'll be your last headache.
I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.
I go - that's a nice tie. That's right, Davie. Ralph Lauren regularly $80. A little tomato stain, you can barely see it, 4 bucks! Sweet.
Our flaws are what makes us human. If we can accept them as part of who we are, they really don't even have to be an issue.
I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.
I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.
If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's "babydoll".
90% of the activities girls do is to get a guy’s attention and it’s just the way we’re built biologically. We love to get your attention. It’s part of the sport of it. You think I go to a sports bar because I like warm beer and sticky barstools? No! I go 'cause there’s guys there. You think I do a pub crawl every year because I like it when my liver hurts? No. I do it 'cause there’s guys there. We don’t wear heels for our circulation. We do it to prop up our butt so you’ll look at it and wanna mate with me. This isn’t a freaking game, alright? This isn't a push up bra - it's body armour. And this ain't make up, sweetheart - it's war paint! They say men are hunters and women are gatherers. Well, sort of. We gather information about you, and then we hunt you.