Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 777
I go - that's a nice tie. That's right, Davie. Ralph Lauren regularly $80. A little tomato stain, you can barely see it, 4 bucks! Sweet.
You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?
Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from on another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hate. That'll show them.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.
I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'
How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?