Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 777
It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.
I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.
Your love is one in a million, You couldn’t buy it at any price. But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves statistically, some of them would be equally nice.
When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes... why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material?
Have you ever wanted to rape a clown, so you follow him into his car, and you end up having to rape, like, forty clowns?
[to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
Let me make one thing perfectly clear to you: this is not writing. I have absolutely no idea how this sentence I’m currently saying is going to finish. When and if it does, I can only hope it makes some kind of coherent ceramic pineapple.
With any actor, if you know your character well enough, you'll know pretty much what he would say under any circumstance, or whatever situation might rear its head.
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.