Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 777
Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.
I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person - as the people in this room will attest.
‘No, mate, you came here because you screwed up your A-levels.’(Reply to a heckler at Warrington University, who told Whitehall he’d ‘come here for comedy.’)
Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
It has this scope that's outrageous, but yet at the core, these very intimate scenes, so that alone is interesting.
Honestly, the real reason i shave it down there is to make my dick look bigger, thats why. You mow the lawn the yard looks bigger.
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.