Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 781
The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
I just read an article in the paper the other day that, in an experiment, a medical experiment, they actually hooked up electrodes to the pleasure center of a lab monkey's brain and, at the flip of a switch, sent the monkey into perpetual orgasm. I've always been against animal testing, but where do I get the home game of this?
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"
If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.
I don't go out with my single friends - not at all - because I never have a good time, never have fun. We go to a club, a guy comes over - 'Hey, can I buy you a drink?' They're like, 'No, she's married.' I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm married, but I'm thirsty. Why don't you shut the hell up, and let me have a free drink?'
I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well that taught me a lesson.