Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 781
Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!
You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.
I come around when you least expect me! I'm sitting at the bar when your glass is empty!
No matter what you’re doing in life, listen. Listen, wait, process it, then you open your mouth. Gather the information and then you reply. Anything else, you’re bound to fail. Anything you do, do it like that. When you don’t know how to deal with your lady, take an improv class. You can improv on her birthday. You can improv on your anniversary. You can improv in the bedroom. Can you imagine the skills you would have with your lady if you just listened better? Improv opens doors to everything. It’ll keep you from getting fired. It’ll keep you from getting a ticket. It’ll get you a nice time with your lady. Before you open your mouth, make sure you’ve listened. You can have anything you want in life.
Now if I walk past a group of youths I find myself holding my keys in my pocket, then I find myself putting each key in between my clenched fist, so if I have to hit him I'll fucking kill him.
Find something living rent free in your uterus? Evict that motherfucker!
When I was younger that’s when I was in good shape. I was in my peak physical condition when I was, like, one. Man, you should have seen me back then.
I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I’m at the top of my game.
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.