Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 780

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

You’re an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it? And they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us!

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

Cut out those intimate little dinners for two - unless there's someone with you.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.