Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 780
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
When people pay to see you live, they connect with you on a much deeper level than people who just buy your records.
He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.
That show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' has been getting a lot of ratings. People love that show. That's a great idea for a show. You get four gay guys that try to make a straight guy gayer. That's a good idea for a show. We used to just call that Boy Scout camp.
I can't just say the words, do a lot of one-liners. I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...
It goes Christmas,New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? Those are all days you got to be with someone. And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s - boom - there’s Valentine’s Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentine’s Day for the stragglers. And it should be called, “Who Could Love You?”