Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 780
I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.
I think I'm going to put baby powder all over my legs before this walk just to be safe.
It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
[to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.
I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.
It's always great to get word that you've been picked up for another season, ... We're really hitting our stride and have great story lines already mapped out for next year.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.
Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It’s like, “You want some tequila?” “No dude, that last time I had that…”<br /> Doesn’t happen with anything else. “You want some jelly beans?” “No. The last time I had jelly beans I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the wall. Seriously dude, I can’t even smell the black ones. Just get ‘em out of here?”