Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 780

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

You never see a smiling runner.

I appreciate y’all having me. A lot of you ain’t laughing right now, but goddammit I’m funny. And I’ll have your ass vomiting shortly. Believe that.

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's "babydoll".

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

It's not a mystery to me what happened with 9/11. These guys are out there. We knew they were out there. It was a failure of will on our part to address the situation 10 years before. There is no big mystery about it.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

"I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"