Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 782
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes... why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material?
And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
White men have screwed this country up! I would like a black, female…. everything all rolled into one.I want something different. I want a real change. People, I want a president who speaks well, who has a sense of humor. This guy is such a moron! It's beyond the point where it's a joke. He's an idiot.
I'm in my truck talking to Jesus. And you can see a World Series ring on my right pinkie finger. But when I take my sunglasses off a second later, it's gone. It's the whole divine intervention thing. You know Jesus had something to do with them winning.
I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"
She’s 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? “SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!”, what do you want a shredder for? “IDENTITY THEFT!!”.
I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.
I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.
I have been the guy who has everything but yet is so one-track minded about what I want, that I can't see my blessings.
"I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"