Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 782
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.
I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.
Basically it's the priests don't like the cloning, so we can make a compromise. For every cell that we use to make a heart valve we'll done one for them. It'll be a portable twelve-year-old boy's butt with five openings, four for personal use and one to call Bingo every Thursday.
And we took off-whoosh-into the night. Through the clouds, we hurtled up into the sky. And this man farted. I will never forget it as long as I live. Not only was it the worst fart, it was the longest. Maybe, it was the position he was in, he had squeezed his ass all up. But he was kinda leanin over and pointing his ass up toward me. And it made the strangest noise. It was like cloth tearing.
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.
It's always great to get word that you've been picked up for another season, ... We're really hitting our stride and have great story lines already mapped out for next year.
We do not believe, had he been white, that he would be dead. And when we black folks say to America that we're not going to tolerate it, it's going to stop.