Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 783
"I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"
They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.
On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson. On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and Dennis Hopper - all your choices should be so easy.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
It's 113 degrees in Phoenix! Damn!!! I'm not as hot as I thought I was!
I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away.
Have you ever done a black guy? Do it. It’s worth the screwed-up credit. I’m telling you. You may never buy a new car again but every night you get a SUV right in the hoo ha.
In the late '60s and '70s, when feminism was on the up sweep, there was an awareness of things that we're losing again.