Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 783

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that's really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

The media put that in our heads too. They made us insecure about our penises too. You watch a porno nowadays, you see these guys with these giant hogs on them, fucking Chernobyl waste nuclear reactor dicks on them. You watch that and you go "*sad tone* oh my god, im never gonna have a dick like that" You are not SUPPOSED to have a dick like that. Animals should not have dicks like that.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

I've done a bit of Latin in my time... but I can control it.

People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

I said, “Who did you think it was?”

The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.

When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

Whenever you go out [to eat] you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."