Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 783

Did you poop a virgin? ‘Cause that shit is tight.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

You're looking at something that is going to revolutionize the whole world.

You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'

I don’t get back to Iowa very often. I mean, it took me a long time to realize that we were free to go.

A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.

The reason a person is a republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican.

When people pay to see you live, they connect with you on a much deeper level than people who just buy your records.

I try to avoid people's eyes because I don't like to get that intimate with just anybody. i don't need the responsibility.