Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 787
People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.
Your love is one in a million, You couldn’t buy it at any price. But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves statistically, some of them would be equally nice.
Cut out those intimate little dinners for two - unless there's someone with you.
I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.
New book on Malcolm X says we don’t know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.
Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.
Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"
It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.
I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...
It's always great to get word that you've been picked up for another season, ... We're really hitting our stride and have great story lines already mapped out for next year.
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."
I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.