Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 787
I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles… because I didn’t know.
Australians are very proud of being from Australia. It's an interesting country, Australia. In Australia it's illegal not to vote. Australia has a compulsory democracy. Bizarrely, it's compulsory to vote in a country where the citizens are, to be fair, perhaps least equipped to make choices. It's not their fault. Australian life has not prepared the Australian for complex choices, cos every Australian day is like a sort of decision tree of simple binary choices. Sleep or wake? Shorts or swimming trunks? Beach or park? Smoothie or heroin? Hepatitis or skin cancer? Up at the end of a sentence... Or down.
All the proper bands from then, when we were kids, yeah? The Rubettes and Mud and Chicory Tip. Yeah. Not like the bands they have now, stupid, modern bands all made out of wire and electricity. The proper old bands. You'd buy the singles, wouldn't you? The old singles they used to have in the old days. The proper ones. Very nostalgic feelings towards Woolworths. The pick 'n' mix. Remember the pick 'n' mix in Woolworths? All the sweets individually wrapped. Proper, old-fashioned sweets, yeah? Not like the sweets they have now, all with knives in them and AIDS
All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.
If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.
If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.
I don't go out with my single friends - not at all - because I never have a good time, never have fun. We go to a club, a guy comes over - 'Hey, can I buy you a drink?' They're like, 'No, she's married.' I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm married, but I'm thirsty. Why don't you shut the hell up, and let me have a free drink?'
If you think the last four words to the national anthem are "gentleman, start your engines", you might be a redneck.
I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.
On Seth Macfarlane, creator of Family Guy: ”You made all your money because you created a fucked up, criminal baby. You’re like Michael Lohan.”
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?