Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 788
George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
As you know, I'm from Cleveland, Ohio. I love Cleveland, Ohio. I based my whole career on being from Cleveland, Ohio. And you also might know that Cleveland, Ohio, is going through some tough times right now.
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."
Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea."
If you think the last four words to the national anthem are "gentleman, start your engines", you might be a redneck.
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.
New book on Malcolm X says we don’t know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.
I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.
YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.
And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"
I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.
Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'