Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 788
The last time I heard booing like that was when I was doing my act.
I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"
I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.
I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.
What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be Democrats... or skinny.
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
That show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' has been getting a lot of ratings. People love that show. That's a great idea for a show. You get four gay guys that try to make a straight guy gayer. That's a good idea for a show. We used to just call that Boy Scout camp.
There was a girl who was cooking a cake for her family for the first time and the directions said "Grease the bottom of the pan." So, she greased the bottom of the pan... You think there was a house fire? Here's your sign!
When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.