Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 788
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.
Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.
Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.
My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.
When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
I'm from a little place called England ... We used to run the world before you.
1st of December, World Aids Day….I don’t think it’ll ever take off like Christmas.
I grew up in the projects and I know how important it is for kids to have hope.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.