Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 79
Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone - you know, the director - she's like, 'He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.' And I'm like, 'Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.' She's like, 'I'm offended because I'm Asian.' And I was just like, 'Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.'
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.
It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punches you in the face... Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Really? You did it so your shirts would fit better? You did it because you're a whore, you forgot because you're stupid.
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a "Genocidal Fuckhead … with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as "Pope Gutless Bastard I."
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".
Haven’t you noticed that every time the government fucks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.
As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.