Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 79
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our flag!
My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.
Love the questions at the airport because they make you feel real intelligent. "Sir, do you know what's in your luggage?" "No. I tied a sock around my eyes and packed with my feet. I'm thinking hot dogs and gunpowder."
I want to be an alien. The movie 'Aliens' - isn't that the best, those aliens? You don't mess with those aliens. They're bad-ass looking. They're always wet and shit. You don't mess with that. If I got on the subway like that, you wouldn't mess with me.
A lot of times people complain that their significant other takes too long to get ready to go out at night. I've never had that complaint and I think it's because I never want to go anywhere, so I could care less how long it takes her to get ready. That's just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending I don't want to kill myself. She'll take an hour and a half to get ready, come down and be like, 'Oh my goodness, you were so patient.' And I'll be like, 'For what? You look disgusting.' Now she's crying, whatever, I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game. It's not like she's going to break up with me; she's 10 years younger, she's one opinion away from being replaced. I can say that, I have a television show.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.
You’re going into business with that Puerto Rican? You ought to call yourselves “Julio and Big Foolio.”
The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't - hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack smoking, wife beating motherfucker."
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.
You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."
Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt and a purse.