Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 80
When I perform, it's very personal. I'm sharing things I like, inviting the audience into my room.
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.
When I die, I don’t want people to look in my coffin and go, “Wow, he looks great.” I’m dead for Christ’s sake! I want people to walk by my coffin and go, “Jesus! He partied…” And for the love of God, don’t put a rose in my hand, put a Slim Jim. Send me to heaven with a Slim Jim!
I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a '2' in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, 'I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!' Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars!
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Weed is from tha earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage!
It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work.
You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "Uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.