Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 80
Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, "We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay!" Never got a dinner!
A woman can have sex with whoever she wants, a man only with whoever allows him.
My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.
I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
I always compare marriage to communism. They're both institutions that don't conform to human nature, so you're going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
They only seem to be talking to themselves. What if they're not? What if they're actually synchronized? What if for every guy walking by himself going, 'Nobody tells a navy man when he's had enough to drink 'cause only a navy man knows when he's had enough to drink,' maybe there's another guy, 30 miles away, walking by himself going, 'Shut up! You weren't in the navy. Kiss my butt. I don't need this.'
If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.
Remember this advice... Never let your mom comb your hair when she's mad at your dad!
I was eating some pizza and I burnt the roof of my mouth. Then I thought, “wait a minute, this is the ceiling of my mouth.”
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.