Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 80
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.
When I die, I don’t want people to look in my coffin and go, “Wow, he looks great.” I’m dead for Christ’s sake! I want people to walk by my coffin and go, “Jesus! He partied…” And for the love of God, don’t put a rose in my hand, put a Slim Jim. Send me to heaven with a Slim Jim!
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I discovered–I need a girlfriend. ‘Cause that Discovery Channel is the most boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life, and the more of it you watch, the less chance you ever have of meeting a woman, cause it fills your head full of odd facts that come out at any moment like Tourette’s Syndrome. I’m talking to a girl: “hi, how ya doin’. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? Much like the sea otter. Where are you going? Come back!”
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
When I perform, it's very personal. I'm sharing things I like, inviting the audience into my room.
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
I always compare marriage to communism. They're both institutions that don't conform to human nature, so you're going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
You can be cool and at the same time respect your woman, who will hopefully become your wife, who will hopefully become the mother of your kids. America needs to get back to family values.
I asked her to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN-HD. And then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' Oh yeah, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend.
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.
I'll tell you why nobody knows, 'cause, people forget a very important thing. The Chinese are a lot smarter than us... So, it's hard to-to criticize. But some things, we excel at that they don't, you know, it's - I mean, I have never seen a Chinese guy in a porno.