Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 80
The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.
How's my mama? How's your mama? I will slap you in the mouth with my dick.
I gave my cat a bath the other day, they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, if was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that.
Love the questions at the airport because they make you feel real intelligent. "Sir, do you know what's in your luggage?" "No. I tied a sock around my eyes and packed with my feet. I'm thinking hot dogs and gunpowder."
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
Democracy is the worst kind, I’m sorry but it is. “We get to pick our leaders.” Well, what if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own, I don’t want to be led. Is that freedom?
Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth.