Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 796

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".

John and I were gay together once... Wait, that's not true. He was gay and I just laid there. Thank you, John, for giving me your heiny last night.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

People say I've changed and I tell em that I'm glad 'cause I don't wanna stay the same.

You’re an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it? And they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us!

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

A new child in the house is a huge tourist attraction. It's like Disneyland, except there the lines are longer and no one brings casseroles.

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.

Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.