Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 796
Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.
On bad chat up lines: Stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, Get in the van.
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.
It's always great to get word that you've been picked up for another season, ... We're really hitting our stride and have great story lines already mapped out for next year.
The last time I heard booing like that was when I was doing my act.
I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.
I believe at the end of my career I’ll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.
Also, I realized a lot of kids are listening to me. Whether I want to be or not, they're looking up to me.
No no no! Don't clap! No no no, you make me seem like I'm like a prophet or something and I'm so not!