Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 796
You ever do a little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through, you take your contactlist, sometimes you're just in the doctor's office right? You start scrolling through, you're like... who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life?
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.
Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters.
White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!
So I go in and I go into the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. Yeah, those are nice Twizzlers, do you have financial aid?
I've gotten to a place where I am comfortable and I don't battle myself. I'm further ahead than I ever thought I'd be. I've exceeded everyone's expectations. Including, I think, my own.
One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
I believe at the end of my career I’ll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
People say you learn from your mistakes. That’s bollocks – we stumble through life making the same mistakes. We just get better at dealing with the fallout.
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!