Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 796

God just seems very man-made to me. There are so many theories, and not everyone can be right. It's human nature to need a religious crutch, and I don't begrudge anyone that. I just don't need one.

I've done a bit of Latin in my time... but I can control it.

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, "Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!"

The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Don't hate the player; change the game.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.

Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.