Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 795

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.

I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

I believe at the end of my career I’ll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

God just seems very man-made to me. There are so many theories, and not everyone can be right. It's human nature to need a religious crutch, and I don't begrudge anyone that. I just don't need one.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

Anything that has cynicism to it and that's jaded is smutty.