Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 795

There was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

It’s gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

So she viewed time spent in the land of the normal as an investigation into the world of marriage-worthy men, even if she was unsure about her own interest in marriage. There must be one solid citizen who also had a spark of life, a sense of humor and adventure.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I think I could go away tomorrow. I've already accomplished something. It's such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I don't want to go through life as a Wonder Wheel murderer!

I don't go out with my single friends - not at all - because I never have a good time, never have fun. We go to a club, a guy comes over - 'Hey, can I buy you a drink?' They're like, 'No, she's married.' I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm married, but I'm thirsty. Why don't you shut the hell up, and let me have a free drink?'

On Seth Macfarlane, creator of Family Guy: ”You made all your money because you created a fucked up, criminal baby. You’re like Michael Lohan.”

Sure, you can start now. Fire the janitor.

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"