Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 797

I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

[about the contents of a brochure from the American Heart Association regarding the resumption of sexual activity following a heart attack] Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a second lease on life and I'm not gonna press my luck and take it up the ass.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.

Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno; come up with your own example, smart-ass.

Life is a myth. Death is real. Orgasms rule.

I saw hamlet at the Globe Theater. Notice I didn't say I heard it. Some asshole with a whooping cough was right behind me. Hey lung chunks, if you're sick, stay the fuck home!

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.