Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 797
The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens... You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error.
People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.
Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.
Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.
I personally don't believe people really grow. They just learn stuff when they were a kid, and hold on to it, and that affects every relationship they have.
What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be Democrats... or skinny.
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.
Growing up in the '60s and the '70s, things certainly seemed more simplistic and easier to digest.
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!
You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.