Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 797

And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.

If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.

I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

You better believe that they wanna make all their fucking friends jealous, okay? And the greatest thing that could ever happen is if one of their friends is already married and if you go a couple of carats bigger and they can fucking pull that out. That's like their biggest dick competition is whoever has the shiniest fucking rock. You know what I mean? It really is fucking stupid.

Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?

You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.

We're (women) our own worst enemies a lot of the time, but I still blame men.