Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 797
I'm very impatient, so I was like, 'I want to be able to do whatever I want now.' But even the biggest stars - you look back and they weren't overnight.
I don't know that I would need to be famous as a Middle East policy expert to see that unilateral imperialism is bad policy.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?
I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.
Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.
It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.
All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.
My friends who have babies can’t do anything. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"
I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.