Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 799

I think I could go away tomorrow. I've already accomplished something. It's such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself.

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a "failed jobs program."

I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret.'

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

You know, a TV show is a slow build.

What you have to do is be honest with who you are. Find that thing inside of you that is you and be that. Don't lie and don't perpetrate. I am sick and tired of ugly bitches that wear shirts that say, 'Cutey.'

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, "Fossil." And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.

The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.