Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 799
Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.
Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'
I will be looking at an Armani shirt or a high end designer and flip the tag and I see made in India, I'm stuck with a real dilemma. I'm like 'Shit, do i buy this shirt or do I call my uncle. I wonder if he knows where this factory is.'
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer - I'm a dragon irritater.
Nationalism and patriotism in the wrong hands will destroy lives, it really will, because I'll tell you something: it takes a village to ruin a child. I think we've proven that time and time again in this country.
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious.
I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.