Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 799

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

On bad chat up lines: Stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, Get in the van.

Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual.

There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

It's an honor to walk in the footsteps of a legend. As host I intend to honor the tradition of The Bob Hope Classic and have a great time blazing a new path.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

It's my real name. My mother's name is Rose Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me Mister Rock.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.