Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 807
My girlfriend called me because one of our other friends is getting married. So, they told me I had to pitch in for a male stripper. I said, 'You out your damn mind. I ain't payin' for no naked-ass man.' I mean, you think about it - women? We really don't have to pay to see that. I mean, really - we spend most of our time trying not to see that.
If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles per hour... you might be a redneck.
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
You might be a redneck if you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, "Fossil." And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.
"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.
I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.
I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.