Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 807
We do experiments on animals for a reason—to prolong our life. If hooking a monkey’s brain up to a car battery is going to save somebody of dying from AIDS in ten years, I got two things to say, “The red is positive and the black is negative.”
You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
The weirdest thing about a house is that it’s got locks to keep the baddies out, but they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.
Why do some people think aquariums are cruel? The fish love it there! They told me. The said, “Truthfully Rich, it's fucking awesome. There's no predators. No nets, no pollution. It's like the ocean without all the bullshit.”
White men have screwed this country up! I would like a black, female…. everything all rolled into one.I want something different. I want a real change. People, I want a president who speaks well, who has a sense of humor. This guy is such a moron! It's beyond the point where it's a joke. He's an idiot.
Dinah Shore? Wonderful woman. Dinah formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you - when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.
You better believe that they wanna make all their fucking friends jealous, okay? And the greatest thing that could ever happen is if one of their friends is already married and if you go a couple of carats bigger and they can fucking pull that out. That's like their biggest dick competition is whoever has the shiniest fucking rock. You know what I mean? It really is fucking stupid.