Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 807

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

Growing up in the '60s and the '70s, things certainly seemed more simplistic and easier to digest.

I got a figure that just won't start.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...

I hate it when you really think you're getting something good... and you don't listen to your dudes when you really should.

1st of December, World Aids Day….I don’t think it’ll ever take off like Christmas.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: "As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward."

I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!" "Thanks, dad."

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?"

I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies -- and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.