Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 809

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

It's mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about.

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, "Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!"

Growing up in the '60s and the '70s, things certainly seemed more simplistic and easier to digest.

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.

People say I've changed and I tell em that I'm glad 'cause I don't wanna stay the same.

I hate it when you really think you're getting something good... and you don't listen to your dudes when you really should.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

A new child in the house is a huge tourist attraction. It's like Disneyland, except there the lines are longer and no one brings casseroles.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.