Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 809
If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”
Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A…. “Hi, my name is Adam and I’m a boyfriend. It’s been six months since my last decision. I felt the urge to have an opinion the other day, but thank God my sponsor came over and we sat down ‘til that feeling went away.”
Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, "To forget what?" And he said he couldn't remember.