Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 809
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
People go like 'Jews are cheap' *indian accent* No, that is very incorrect, I AM cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIGGGGG difference!
What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
Also, I realized a lot of kids are listening to me. Whether I want to be or not, they're looking up to me.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.