Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 809

I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.

White men have screwed this country up! I would like a black, female…. everything all rolled into one.I want something different. I want a real change. People, I want a president who speaks well, who has a sense of humor. This guy is such a moron! It's beyond the point where it's a joke. He's an idiot.

So I go in and I go into the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. Yeah, those are nice Twizzlers, do you have financial aid?

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card – "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you - when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.

If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.

People don’t always think Jewish people are cool because we don’t talk as cool as other types of people. You never hear stuff like, “Jews in the house!” The only time you hear a Jewish person say “in the house” is like, y’know, “Murray! Get in the house!”

I like clothes and make-up, I like the transformation… But a lot of men had problems. It’s one of those strange things. A man will go, ‘You fucking queer.’ And you just think, ‘Well, your girlfriend fancies me.’

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

I love how New York is so multi-cultural. I wish I was ethnic. “Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, “He’s got a Latin temper.” But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, “That guy’s a jerk.”

But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy.

They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.