Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 817
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
ACORN is organizing to make sure the job of rebuilding New Orleans is done by the people of New Orleans and truly benefits the communities who have been hurt the most.
It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.
I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. "That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map!"
I will be looking at an Armani shirt or a high end designer and flip the tag and I see made in India, I'm stuck with a real dilemma. I'm like 'Shit, do i buy this shirt or do I call my uncle. I wonder if he knows where this factory is.'
I’m not trying to catch the right formula and do that every night. That’s not fun for me. It’s all about spontaneity.
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
If love were a drug people would be like, "Yo… stay away from that shit."
Elizabeth Taylor, who recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way. Never got a dinner!