Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 817

So, it's good to be here, wherever I am.

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

It's not what you know, it's what you think you know.

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.