Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 825
How come there’s no self-effacing rappers? “Had to go to Goodwill to get this jacket/ that’s ‘cause I’m in a low-income tax bracket.”
I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.
I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.
How many you boys ever been drunk, went home with a fat girl?. Some of you out there are going, “Shut up! She’s sitting right next to me!”
Someone should come out with a man-woman dictionary, like those English-French ones.
Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it.
Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.
All marionettes are trying to say with this movie, is that if you don't see it, the sock puppets have won.
You might be a redneck if there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.