Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 825
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
[talking about how the relationship changes after marriage] You know, you'll spend some time together, then you tell her, "You know, you're fun! I like you! You're fun! We have fun together! Let's get married!" So you get married, then after a little while fun starts packin' its shit! And you go, "Where ya' goin', fun?" And she goes, "Oh, nowhere. Just gettin' some stuff together." And then one day, Fun says "Fuck it!" and takes off! And you go, "Come back, Fun!" And she says, "Fuck you married guy!"
I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.
Thanks Kate, and don't forget to call that number, there is no such thing as a little crack problem.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
If anybody comes up to you and says, "My kid is a conservative - why is that?" you say, "Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?"
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.
Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.
If I live below a tap dancer I would just put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. We're not tapping shit now, are we? More of a tap stander.