Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 825
How many you boys ever been drunk, went home with a fat girl?. Some of you out there are going, “Shut up! She’s sitting right next to me!”
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
I think it’s a tad bit hypocritical of black people to have names that you can’t call us anymore but we still have in the organizations that represent us. The United Negro College Fund. Oh, you can’t call us a negro, but we will accept your donation.
George Hamilton, you’re like Tang. You’re dry and orange and nobody has given a fuck about you since 1968.
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
When you unleash the mix upon her, she will understand the beauty of who you are as a human being, and then she will melt and be in your bedroom soon. That's the plan with the mix.
Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.
I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.
By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
Why do some people think aquariums are cruel? The fish love it there! They told me. The said, “Truthfully Rich, it's fucking awesome. There's no predators. No nets, no pollution. It's like the ocean without all the bullshit.”