Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 825
I used to get letters saying, 'I didn't know black children and white children were the same.'
If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.
The Devil: And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the Jews were right.
Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!
Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching.
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like, “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.
I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. "That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map!"
What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.