Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 826
She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.
Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people’s things. And my cousin, who’s a ‘gangster’, he’s like, ‘No, Tash, you don’t understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.’ I’m like, ‘No one thinks you own Costco.’
Have you heard his [Justin Bieber] new song? ‘Cause he thinks he’s a black man now.
Flash Gordon, who said, "No, that’s not how I got my name." Never got a dinner!
"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.
Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody.
The grocery store near my house closes at 8:25.<br /> -- Todd Barry, on the hours of the grocery store near his house
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".
I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It’s an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.
And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.
The reason I'm a psychologist is based in part on my telephone routines. Much of my humor comes out of reaction to what other people are saying. A psychologist is a man who listens, who is sympathetic.
Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.
I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'