Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 826
My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”
People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.
Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, "I owe it all to one great part." Never got a dinner!
They always ask you dumb questions. 'Do you wanna be fat?' 'Oh yes, yes, I do. I wanna sweat for no reason.' Every time I breathe, they like, 'Why you breathing so hard?' 'So I can live.'
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.
A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
God lets you be successful because he trusts you that you will do the right thing with it. Now, does he get disappointed often? All the time, because people get there and they forget how they got it.
A girl who is willing to give every ounce of herself to someone, who could never betray her lover, who never suspects maliciousness of anyone, and whose sexuality sleeps in her, waiting to be stirred.
I had some great things and I had some bad things. The best and the worst... In other words, I had a life.