Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 826
After you take off your coats, go to sleep... Then in the morning I'll take you all home.
How many you boys ever been drunk, went home with a fat girl?. Some of you out there are going, “Shut up! She’s sitting right next to me!”
I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?
I’m divorced… I tried to save my marriage. I went to counseling. Spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.
When you unleash the mix upon her, she will understand the beauty of who you are as a human being, and then she will melt and be in your bedroom soon. That's the plan with the mix.
Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.
As an actor, there was that freedom of not having to worry about lights or marks or other people. It was just going out there and having fun with the character.
You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.
I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’