Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 824
That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.
It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.
You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.
They say, "Keep your enemies closer." But what if you live with them?
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don’t make or break a career.
I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"
How many you boys ever been drunk, went home with a fat girl?. Some of you out there are going, “Shut up! She’s sitting right next to me!”
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
It’s horrible being alone. I threw a surprise party for myself. I parked the car down the street. Tried to fool myself. I set up a piñata up with a blindfold and a baseball bat and ended up my neighbor’s house, beating up their grandmother.
You may be a redneck if... you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.