Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 824

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.

The monkey on my back is me.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.

Sometimes we become attached to what’s familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us.

After you take off your coats, go to sleep... Then in the morning I'll take you all home.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Every now and then, I like to give out some advice. Ladies - don't laugh during the porno watching.

I liked Amsterdam. I spent $2,000 window shopping.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway

To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.

She'll take 3-5 steps, always 3-5 then she'll turn and just over her shoulder say, "well your dumb like your father."

I used to get letters saying, 'I didn't know black children and white children were the same.'

For some reason "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman".