Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 824
I figured, let me just cut myself off from everybody, take a minute and pull a Flintstone, stop a speeding car by using my bare feet as brakes.
There’s a few sentences you’ll never hear. Like, “Hey we should go to Alabama, again.” You’ll never hear that. Or how about this one? “I can’t believe you haven’t seen Species 2!” This is my favorite one: “Aw! Let’s put some nutmeg up in this muthafucka!”
Alex Hailey, who traced his roots all the way to the back of the bus. Never got a dinner!
People come up to us and ask how we knew so much about their own family... I'm talking about people from faraway places, too. I get people from Turkey and Chile coming up to me and saying I wrote about their family.
I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.
A girl who is willing to give every ounce of herself to someone, who could never betray her lover, who never suspects maliciousness of anyone, and whose sexuality sleeps in her, waiting to be stirred.
Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.
I've always loved the flirtatious tango of consonants and vowels, the sturdy dependability of nouns and capricious whimsy of verbs, the strutting pageantry of the adjective and the flitting evanescence of the adverb, all kept safe and orderly by those reliable little policemen, punctuation marks. Wow! Think I got my ass kicked in high school?
If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.
That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.