Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 824
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?
Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?
When you're first starting out, you want to keep making good movies. When you're young and you're black, you do a bad movie and you're through.
The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible.
When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.
Anyway, seeking work is a tad difficult given the poor design of the streets with their prohibitive curbs and driveways that don't quite line up.
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.
That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.
I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”