Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 827

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

No one is a natural – you have to work at being a natural.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

We came, we saw, we sucked.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

Try to be rational? I'll tell you how rational I can be. I hope that he goes out into the wilderness and gets poision ivy, and comes back and I have to treat him then he will find out how much sick people get charged.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

Thanks Kate, and don't forget to call that number, there is no such thing as a little crack problem.