Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 827

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

When you're first starting out, you want to keep making good movies. When you're young and you're black, you do a bad movie and you're through.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Have you ever had a cookie? Then you won't get any here either.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I'm glad 'bad ass' doesn't mean 'bad' 'ass.'

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.

We came, we saw, we sucked.

They say, "Keep your enemies closer." But what if you live with them?

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Bush, Kerry and Nader -- those were the the choices. Although Nader -- you know when you take a multiple choice exam, and they tell you to immediately rule out one choice 'cause it's crazy? -- that's Nader. It's like, 'The square root of 342 is a) 32, b) 18, c) chocolate.' Well, I know it's not chocolate -- that's Nader.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.