Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 827

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

I'm very impatient, so I was like, 'I want to be able to do whatever I want now.' But even the biggest stars - you look back and they weren't overnight.

There was a lot of stuff where we were doing scenes and we would bust out laughing - more on this movie than ever, where you can't finish scenes. I hope we didn't mess up the movie.

If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, "God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that." Then it kind of balances out.

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, "For better service, take a number." Never got a dinner!

I'm always a bit shy around evil people...

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.

I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see "The Great Gatsby".

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai... Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as, "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" and "What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah?"

Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.

I hate it when you really think you're getting something good... and you don't listen to your dudes when you really should.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.