Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 828
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
I had some great things and I had some bad things. The best and the worst... In other words, I had a life.
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
It’s horrible being alone. I threw a surprise party for myself. I parked the car down the street. Tried to fool myself. I set up a piñata up with a blindfold and a baseball bat and ended up my neighbor’s house, beating up their grandmother.