Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 828
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.
Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.
Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.
I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, "Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before." Never got a dinner!
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Flash Gordon, who said, "No, that’s not how I got my name." Never got a dinner!