Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 828

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

I'm always a bit shy around evil people...

Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

People come up to us and ask how we knew so much about their own family... I'm talking about people from faraway places, too. I get people from Turkey and Chile coming up to me and saying I wrote about their family.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

What do you feed them? Losing lottery tickets? You're never going to win the lottery! You have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest. And you have enough kids! Take your fifty dollars and buy yourself a vagina cork. I hope I get reincarnated as a condom so I never have to see your ugly-ass face again!

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

We came, we saw, we sucked.

If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.