Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 83
I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like 'Hold on, I gotta try this shit. Hold on one second. What happens if you don't line it up? I just wanna see...' What if when you did that a fucking ghost came out of it? 'Ha ha ha, ah ha ha! He told you not to! I am Windextor. I will clean your soul!'.
My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews - an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.
Haven’t you noticed that every time the government fucks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?
We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
I hadn’t been to the beach since the summer the synchronized swimming team drowned. It was tragic yet beautiful. Apparently the lead got a cramp and they were pretty hardcore.
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.
Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.
How you gonna have racism in a country that don’t belong to nobody… Ain’t nobody belong here. You got people going “Go home!” You go home too. You ain’t from here. Go home.
Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.
I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.