Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 83
Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.
I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.'
I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like 'Hold on, I gotta try this shit. Hold on one second. What happens if you don't line it up? I just wanna see...' What if when you did that a fucking ghost came out of it? 'Ha ha ha, ah ha ha! He told you not to! I am Windextor. I will clean your soul!'.
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work.
I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.
We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.
Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a "Genocidal Fuckhead … with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as "Pope Gutless Bastard I."
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
If you join a gym, you gotta go a lot for it to work. I don't know how these gay guys do it. It's unbelievable. Every gay guy I know is built like a bodybuilder. When did that start happening? That's totally gonna change the stereotype, right? It's gonna be like, 'Do you think that guy's gay? Is he gay?' 'Oh yeah. He benches, like, 450 pounds.'
Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.