Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 83
When I perform, it's very personal. I'm sharing things I like, inviting the audience into my room.
I'm not a girl, I'm a guy you know? But at the same time, I tell ya how you can solve this abortion issue right now. Ready? Those unwanted babies that single moms leave in alleys and in dumpsters? Leave about 12 of those on the steps of The Supreme Court. This is over. Like that. "You guys said we had to have them? Then you guys... fucking raise 'em." "Raise 'em then, you fucking fucking raise 'em. You raise 'em. You said I had to have it? Then it's yours. Fuck. It's yours... Take it."
When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!'
My gran used to say, "here’s five dollars and don’t tell your mother that I’m giving this to you". I said, "it will cost you more than that".
Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'
That’s all they can say about me, is “fat motherfucker”, that’s it! People kill me. “Fat motherfucker.” And people that don’t like fat people, quit calling us “fat motherfucker”, ‘cause that don’t bother us, you understand what I’m sayin’? Lady called me that the other day, “ya fat muthafucka!” I don’t give a damn! You wanna make me mad, tell me Popeye’s Chicken goin’ out of business. Nigga, I set this theater on fire!
My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?"
I try to please people, to give them a good time, but I refuse to make my act conform to traditional show-biz standards of entertainment. There's a little voice that says, 'Oh, no, you can't do that, that's breaking all the rules.' That's the voice of show business. Then this other little voice says, 'Try it.' And most of the time, when the voice comes on and says, 'No,' that's the time it works.
Every time you hear about some famous guy overdosing on drugs, it's always some really talented guy. It's always like Len Bias, or Janis Joplin, or Jimi Hendrix, or John Belushi. You know what I mean? The people you wanna have overdose on drugs never would! Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose man, never!
Some people even think I wear a wig. Do they think I went into a salon one day and said, "Can you please screw this up really bad?"