Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 83
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.
Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well.
I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...
It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work.
When somebody gives you directions, don't you get so anal about their directions, they give you them and the entire time driving your like cutting down their directions, right?
Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm.
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They’ll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that’s bullshit.
I wish they would just call the news: What's Wrong. 'Hi, it's six o'clock, here's What's Wrong. Now for the local news, here's the worst shit that happened the closest to you.'
I'll tell you why nobody knows, 'cause, people forget a very important thing. The Chinese are a lot smarter than us... So, it's hard to-to criticize. But some things, we excel at that they don't, you know, it's - I mean, I have never seen a Chinese guy in a porno.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.