Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 82
I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like 'Hold on, I gotta try this shit. Hold on one second. What happens if you don't line it up? I just wanna see...' What if when you did that a fucking ghost came out of it? 'Ha ha ha, ah ha ha! He told you not to! I am Windextor. I will clean your soul!'.
The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a '2' in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, 'I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!' Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars!
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm.
My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.
I hadn’t been to the beach since the summer the synchronized swimming team drowned. It was tragic yet beautiful. Apparently the lead got a cramp and they were pretty hardcore.
I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
If you join a gym, you gotta go a lot for it to work. I don't know how these gay guys do it. It's unbelievable. Every gay guy I know is built like a bodybuilder. When did that start happening? That's totally gonna change the stereotype, right? It's gonna be like, 'Do you think that guy's gay? Is he gay?' 'Oh yeah. He benches, like, 450 pounds.'
You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "Uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.
I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.'