Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 842

You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.

I had sex in a bottle bank once because I care about the planet.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I’m divorced… I tried to save my marriage. I went to counseling. Spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.

I just celebrated seventeen years without a drug or a drink in my body. Seventeen years sober. I don’t need to get high. I got gambling to fall back on.

I think a lot of people are afraid of freedom. They want their lives to be controlled, to be put into a box... People like that cradle-to-grave concept because it says you don't have to think too much, you don't have to worry too much, because someone else is looking out for you. But that also means you can't do as much as you want. Why should someone else put a limit on how much fun I can have; how much I can accomplish?

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.