Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 842
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.
I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.
Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance and love have no end.
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?"
I used to think it was corny to be in love but actually it's corny to lose an awesome woman! Real talk.
I don’t know if this is a nerdy quality or just something left over from my uncle’s alcoholism, but I get obsessed with things very easily, things that don’t matter. I think that is a very nerdy quality to be like, “Oh this thing! I love it and I’m going to learn everything about it real soon.”
You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.
My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.