Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 842

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

Science fiction was never my thing. I have no interest in it.

Everybody gives money and blankets and candy to septuplet families. You go on Oprah Winfrey. Oprah pays for all the kids to go to college. Oprah gives you a mini van. And that’s hypocritical. ‘Cause there’s plenty of women in this country with six kids. Granted they had them by five different men… Six kids, five different men, you ain’t on Oprah. You’re on Maury Povich for a paternity test.

If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that's all I would ask for.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

I don’t see the point of watching men exercise.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It’s like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

Dear girl seductively sucking a lollipop in her pics. We get it. It's a cock. A yummy peen. Too nail on the head.

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

I'm English, and as such, I crave disappointment.

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.