Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 855

Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante's inferno, where they're gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.

I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?”<br /> So I didn’t exist.

Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

By the numbers, this was the worst way to have done it. He couldn't think straight. It was fight or flight - and he chose flight.

Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.

One of the beauties of watching our show is that, really and truly, it remains fresh because you're dealing with human beings and their behavior.

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.