Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 855
If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.
While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I'd say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses.
I'm close to my audience. I think I have more tools in my box than other guys who might try it. Also, I know how to do this stuff. I know how to write and shoot and edit. I'm technically adept and that helped with the website. You need a big skill set.
Know why it takes so many sperm to fetrtilize one egg - cause none of those fuckers will ask for directions.
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that's all I would ask for.
The disasters build a sort of odd Diacid feeling. When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, 'I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty.'
I think it's easier for African American and white comics to be praised than it is Latinos because they think our culture or our humor is substandard. I mean, I just don't think they want to give us credit. I just don't think that they see us as important enough to be at their level. I'm the longest-produced comedy at Warner Bros. and I don't feel special. They come over and say hello. But everybody's gonna make a lot of money and I don't feel like I'm special to them.
You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.
True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass.
I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those... it's called a window.
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.