Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 855
It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"
She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.
I thought I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up. She’s like, “I think I’m pregnant.” I was like, “The number you have reached…”
I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
I love to talk about people I've met being an entertainer. All my encounters in life - I roll it all into an hour and 30 minutes.
The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.
If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.
Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure.