Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 856

I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

I just love acting.

I was not an attractive child.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

2+2=4. Damn straight. All the time, nigga all the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. 3x+y=what? This bitch is still teaching. Did you know that some of them was letters?!!?

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Don't get upset. I'm probably wrong about half the shit I say.

It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.