Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 856
This happened to the people. The Constitution says "of the people, by the people, for the people"... but the people who got the office, got into office and forgot about the people.
Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.
Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting around in the Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're watching "the Bachelor," and it's a little harder for the bachelor over there because it's tough to tell who's hot under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummuus and smores from room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out.
That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.
Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.
I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.
I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.
I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.