Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 856

Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like 'Y the hell did I date you?!'

That guy who manages the vegetarian restaurant got a pretty severe haircut.

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

I would say, as far as heckling, there’s benign and there’s malignant; like tumors man. Sometimes you get really nice hecklers. I’d say percentage-wise it’s only about 10 to 20 percent the whole year.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.

I guess I don't have to point this out, that it's the second time I've hosted the Emmys after a national tragedy. And I just want to say that I'm honored because it's times like this that we really need laughter.

Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.